Here’s a snippet from my 2020 NaNoWriMo project. In this (rough draft!) scene, a mom is watching her teenage daughter sleep. Mom gets the creepy mom of the year award for sure.
Your bedroom door is open a crack the way you like it. You’ve strung last year’s Christmas lights across your headboard, and I watch you sleep in their sickly rainbow glow. The night is warm, and you’ve kicked off the quilt my mother made for you with the pastel pink and yellow star pattern. You look so vulnerable there on your back with your throat exposed and legs akimbo.
Before an hour passes, my daughter, the thorny blossom of my womb, you’ll be off to catch the bus. You’ll walk with ragged strands of your hair hanging about your face in the same way shredded bits of your childhood hang about your life. At the bus stop, you and your high school friends will slouch silently in a circle and grow pimples together.
Well, we still have one and a half days of Nano left, and I’m not done yet, so I better get back to it. Good luck to you if you’re also sprinting toward that finish line!
Feature image by Siora Photography on unsplash.
Priscilla Bettis 
My favorite phrase was ‘growing pimples together’
I love Nano, but found that I’m a middle grade writer at best – I kept finishing the rough draft with 20K words still to go! This year I gave up on a novel altogether and queried my picture books.
Fingers crossed for you, though. Great snippet!
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Picture books, how fun, best of luck! I successfully wrote, edited, and submitted 3 stories in November, but my fourth story didn’t suit me. It sounded like someone else wrote it even after I edited and polished the heck out of it. So I deleted it. (GASP, I know, I know . . . ) Thanks for stopping by, Jen!
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Lol, deleted stories are just fertilizer for future writing. You watch, a character or plot point from that story will show up in a future book or story, and you’ll wonder, “Now, where did THAT come from?”
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I hope you did manage to finish off your nano project in time, but either which way you should be proud of your progress! And yes, she definitely wins creepy mother of the year award D:
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I ALMOST finished. I ended up deleting one of the stories instead of submitting it because even after editing it to death I wasn’t happy with it. Overall, I’m pretty happy with my Nano short story project. Thanks for stopping by, Olivia-Savannah!
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Beautiful snippet and gorgeous image!
Good luck ❤
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Thank you, Luisa! I did submit three stories, but I didn’t like the fourth one, so I deleted it.:-)
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💖🍀💖🍀💖🍀💖
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“…ragged strands of your hair hanging about your face in the same way shredded bits of your childhood hang about your life.” <–This is powerful writing in its imagery!
"Creepy mom" is a thorough description of the mother and displayed with excellence through "showing" the daughter in her bed.
I hope you keep going with this Priscilla, I am hooked and want more! I will buy the Kindle version when it is available!
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Thank you Sue Marie! I finished the short story and sent it off to a publisher. I hope they like it . . . we’ll see! Hope you’re having a fab weekend.:-)
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Best of luck to you on having it published! From your excerpt, it promises to be a winner! 🙂
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That’s a great excerpt. (And I love the unbroken purple box. 😉 )
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Thanks, Staci, and thanks for helping me out with the unbroken purple box!
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My pleasure.
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Yes, that’s definitely a creepy mom. Loved the description at the end, with slouching and pimples. Well done, Priscilla. Hugs on the wing.
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Thanks, Teagan! Hugs on the wing back at ya.:-)
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That’s amazing! So many questions buzzing through my head. Why so much negative vibes from mummy dearest. What is the trigger! I worked with a woman who had so much jealousy towards her daughter. It shocked me.
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Oh good, glad it piques the reader’s interest. Unfortunately, I do think there are jealous moms in real life. Thanks for commenting, Paula!
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Oh my…so what in the world is going on in that relationship. Yeah. This leaves a reader wanting to know more and figure out what’s up!
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Thanks for the encouragement, Courtney! I sent the finished story to a publisher, and I’m crossing my fingers that they’ll like it!
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Ooh second person! I haven’t read too many books with that in it before, but the one I want to read next year called the fifth season uses it quite a bit. I enjoyed reading this snippet!
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Jimisin’s weighty book? I didn’t know it had a lot of 2nd person narration in it. That’s awfully brave for such a big book! I have one of her science fiction stories on my Kindle. Thank you for your kind words, Olivia-Savannah, and have a fab 2021!
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I like it. It’s pretty creepy. But it is all in the few minor details, otherwise it could have been heartwarming. I have always loved to read horror, but I am not sure I am up to writing it. I either go way too cliché or way too silly. I know there is a sweet spot in there somewhere.
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That story turned out well. I sold it to a literary journal for spring 2022 publication. You’re right about the details: creepy in this case, easily heartwarming after some tweaks. Thanks for commenting!
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